“For the love of God, will you settle the fuck down?” I think to myself. “Why can’t you be a good fetus and just let me get a good night’s sleep? I give into your cravings, I sing to you and play that fucking ridiculous, Baby Einstein music for you; in the hopes that you won’t turn out like your ungrateful siblings.”
It’s my fault I know. Dr Mendez told me to make sure we use a condom, until the birth control pills have a chance to get into my system. I should have kept the IUD instead. An unexpected anniversary gift you are. You can thank your Daddy little one.
“Downtown, no kids, a concert, and a fancy hotel room… c’mon Danielle, it’ll be fun” he said. It was fun. The concert was awesome. Hanging out with Tiffany and her new boyfriend after the concert was great too. It’s so nice to be with friends and just talk and not to have to worry about the time and getting home. The hotel room… fucking expensive but worth it. Sometimes you just have to spend on yourselves. The huge, King sized bed; the marble bath and shower and a beautiful view of the skyline. It was definitely romantic. Too bad all the margaritas I drank turned me into Lindsay Lohan’s long lost sister and I went all Girl’s Gone Wild. Obviously your Daddy enjoyed the show I gave, because here we are now with you playing soccer in my uterus. “Finally”, I say to myself a half hour later. David Beckham has gone to sleep.
I’m never getting pregnant, again.
Now I can go to sleep too...hmmm, David Beckham. I wonder if likes full term, pregnant gals. As many times that he’s knocked up that skinny bitch, Posh… I bet he does. Yeah, I bet he get on some of this. What the hell am I thinking about…? I look like a bloated anaconda. I feel like road kill. I just need sleep. Me, my happy thoughts and a few hours of uninterrupted blissful sleep. Yay, I’ve even managed to get myself into a semi-comfortable position. Wait… are you kidding me? I have to pee, now? C’mon, give a girl a break. “Fine!” I scream in my head. “I’m going”. I sit up and look over at my husband…. David NOT Beckham. “Comfortable much, you asshole?”, I ask his snoring carcass. He farts and giggles in his sleep as a response. Just kill me now. Seriously, I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. Maybe I should smother him. It’s his fault, why I’m in this state. Plus there are mitigating factors here, such as cruel and unusual punishment. Will a jury really convict a pregnant woman ,who was being tortured by her husband with bodily noises and the a refusal to turn on the A/C in May? So what if I can see his breath when he is sleeping? It’s fucking stifling up here. Oh… I’m supposed to be peeing. I can’t wait until I have a normally functioning, non- preggo brain again.
Okay, I’m getting up. I swear to god I can’t wait until this thing is out of me…. Two more weeks. That’s it. God I hope this one is smaller than the last two. I can’t push out another 9 lb kid again. I swear his ass better let me sleep in tomorrow. It’s Sunday. Nobody better bother me. Something else is tomorrow too. I can’t remember. All I know is this baby is due in a week and a half. This kid can’t come quick enough.
I’m never getting pregnant again.
I start walking to the bathroom… oh shit. Why are my panties wet? Something is trickling down my leg. Fuck, my water is breaking . No… I just want to sleep. I’m not ready for contractions and pushing and fuck... my legs aren’t shaved and my hooch hasn’t been trimmed in months.
“David!!! Get up!” I yell, “My water just broke”! No answer. I flip the light switch on and throw the nearest object to me at him: What To Expect When You’re Expecting… ironic, I bet he wasn’t expecting that. Anyway, where is my suitcase? Finally, he’s up. Good. I tell him “Call my parents and have them come over to be with the kids. I need to change before we go” He sleepily nods and I set out to quickly change my clothes. Being huge however negates the physics of speed and I’m still putting on my shoes when my parents arrive. I kiss them on their cheeks quickly and David is quickly herding me out the door to the car. “Relax”, I say “I haven’t even had my first…. ARRRRHHHH” My first contraction comes hard and painfully.
I’m never getting pregnant again.
“Slow down, you’re going to kill us”, I say and then turn to David. “What the fuck is wrong with men?”, I ask. “You all need to be Mario Andretti when driving your wives to the hospital and damn near killing us in the process. Oh shit, another contraction. Fuck that hurts “Well what are you waiting for? GO!!”
I’m sitting in a triage room of the emergency department. “Do I look like I have a fucking insurance card? I’m sorry that I forgot my purse. My priority was on getting my baby and me to the ahhhhhhh…”, another contraction. “Just breathe, honey” says David. Oh sweet Jesus. That breathing shit didn’t work with the first two and it won’t this time either. Just get me a room and a fucking epidural”
“Will you stop touching every damn thing in the room … you’re not a doctor!” I say. “Wanna play doctor?” he asks. “Yes asshole… at this minute, at this second I want to play doctor with you. Please give me a chance to hold your balls in my hand” I reply and glare at him. “I think I’m going to get something to drink. I’ll be back”, he says. Tight jeans or not I vow to myself… his dick is never coming near my vagina again. I’m tired of runny noses, wiping asses and fucking play dates.
I’m never getting pregnant again
“What do you mean I can’t have an epidural? Are you out of you mind?”, I scream at my nurse. “Where is Dr Mendez?” “He is en route ma’am, please try to settle down. We are going to try and make you as comfortable as possible. Please remember your breathing techniques” Before I get the chance to tell my nurse that breathing won’t be necessary if she gets me a fucking epidural…. David walks back in smiling, with coffee in hand. I’m regretting the earlier decision not to smother him when I had the chance. “Guess what?” he asks. “I saw your blogger friend Stacie leaving with her husband and new baby. Did you know she was pregnant?” “No asshole, I don’t keep up with my friends” I think to myself and He continues, “Yeah apparently she just gave birth a few days ago… baby boy”. “I know David, remember when I told you that the other day?” “Oh yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. Well, she told me to tell you good luck and that she’ll text you in a couple of days. Kid was a big boy. I can’t believe she was wearing her jeans already. Can’t tell she just had a kid” As I look around for something to stab him with, Dr Mendez steps in to the room. He reaches my bed, smiles down on me and asks “How are we feeling today?” Uh we? Do you have a parasite trying to fight its way out of your vagina too? Being a woman… I lie. I smile at him and say I’m okay. I’m just ready to get this baby into the world. “Good”, he says. “Let’s see where you’re at. Looks like you’re fully dilated, Danielle. I think it’s time. Nurse Kelly, can you please help me get her prepared?” Kelly, huh? She looks like a Kelly. With her dark hair and beautiful smile. Probably thinks she’s Wonder Woman too… whatev.
I’m never getting pregnant again.
Fuck… Why won’t you come out? I’ve been pushing for two hours. For the love of God, just give me the episiotomy. V-bac… why are sticking a plunger up my hooch? One thing, I asked for one thing: a small baby. I’m two weeks early and this kid is still huge. “Here we go”, says Dr. Mendez. “One last time, Danielle. I need you to bear down hard” I do and relief. I hear a baby’s cry. “It’s a girl. Dad would you like to do the honors?” asks Dr Mendez. I’m exhausted and can’t keep my eyes open as Dr Mendez delivers the afterbirth. I keep my eyes closed I just want to sleep. I hear the nurse “Lil Miss Efficiency” Kelly, scurrying about with my daughter. Oh shit, the baby book… did I pack it? I hear my husband say “Can you add do some of the foot prints here too?” Finally, he is doing something useful. Nurse Kelly asks me “Would you like to hold him now?” and starts to lay him in my arms. I momentarily think to myself you’ve seen one newborn, you seen em’ all, but I don’t. I open my eyes and I’m staring down at my new daughter’s wrinkled pink newborn face. I see her father’s lips and mouth and my nose. I memorize the details of her face. She wrapped up tight and warm and is content against my chest. I can feel her warm breath on me as she sleeps. I hear my husband say “She is beautiful, just like her mommy”.
My eyes are growing heavy, when my husband leans over, kisses my forehead and whispers softly, “Happy Mother’s Day”. In this moment, I’m lost in love with my child. I remember this is a love I’ve felt with all my children. This feeling of pure love between a child and mother… that no matter what pains motherhood brings me.
I will do this again
To all my Mom fans out there… I hope you enjoyed D’s motherhood story and it made you giggle at some points and smile knowingly at others. All you Moms are amazing treasures. You give life and nurture it, rarely getting all the credit and appreciation you deserve.
Please don’t ever doubt for a minute you aren’t appreciated. We spouses and kids may not say it enough, but we do love and appreciate you... everyday.
We know our lives would not be complete without you.
From me, to all of you… Happy Mother’s Day